A question for anyone reading: What is your definition of a 'mixed blessing'? Our family has recently been given a mixed blessing. We found out a few weeks ago that one of my younger brothers is expecting a baby with his fiance. It's his third try; his first was aborted behind his back (he is no longer with that woman), and his second, with his current fiance, was miscarried last year. Now she is pregnant again. The whole family has been cautiously excited, hopeful for the new baby, which will be Sean's first child if it is carried to term, but we have all been afraid to hope too hard. Nobody wants to temp fate, so to speak, or to be as disappointed as the last two times if something happens. And of course, that's to say nothing of how devastated, once again, Sean would be. This morning, we were informed of the mixed blessing, and how ironic- in a sad way- that it happened on Father's Day. As it turned out, Sean's fiance was carrying twins. Now she is only carrying one. We don't know the gender of the surviving baby, because the pregnancy is only four months along, and that seems to be a long time left to be too hopeful as of yet. And here's where the mixed blessing comes in. And mixed feelings on my part. I know from experience the emotional turmoil that comes with losing a baby, especially if the coming baby was badly wanted and already loved, and my heart aches for the mother. Speaking for myself, I am upset and very disappointed for my brother and his fiance for their loss. I'm also very disappointed for my family, who all- including me-wanted this pregnancy to work out well. But then, thankfully, there's the surviving baby to think about. Despite the loss, I'm grateful that one has survived so far and that, according to doctors, the baby seems to be as healthy as any in the fourth month, with no forseeable problems. Again, I'm afraid to be too hopeful, but it's looking good, and I'm awaiting this baby with as much, maybe more, anticipation than before, because of the loss of the twin. The problem is, I almost feel guilty for still having some hope, even though one was lost. My feelings are bouncing back and forth between happy, sad, empathetic, hopeful and guilty. Not to start sounding all new age, but I'm worried that any negative feelings, like sadness, guilt or any other possible ones will affect the so-far surviving twin. And part of the reason for my own sense of guilt is the fact that I'm almost glad. Not that one of the babies was lost, but because I keep thinking that, if it was going to happen anyway, pre-determined by a higher power that another baby wouldn't be born, at least it was twins so one of them would be left. Does that make me a bad person, I wonder? Because I am one of those people that believe a soul is born the minute a baby is concieved. Each one of them was a niece or nephew, my brother's son or daughter. If both twins had been born, what if, the Lord forbid, something happened to one of them when they were older? Obviously the loss would feel much greater, but would I still feel the same? Would I be thankful that something had happened to only one? I don't think so, because they wouldn't be unknown souls by that point. I have other nieces and nephews and the thought of something happening to any one of them is unbearable. What are right now quiet souls in a womb would have been children that had grown in the family and had personalities of their own, people that I spent time with; that makes any loss much greater, though it doesn't diminish my feelings now for the lost unborn twin. In the long run, it's all up to God, or whatever higher power is believed in by any individual. It's just up to us to work through the feelings and emotions on our own. And I have just been hit with a disturbing idea. I have been making a blanket for the baby, before we knew there were two. I had started it cautiously, a little worried about the validity of some superstitions. One of those is 'acknowledging an unborn baby too soon is bad luck'. In fact, my brother hadn't even wanted any of us to know yet, because of that superstition, but you know how things get around in a close family, even from states away. My worry is this: Which baby was the blanket being made for? The lost baby, or the survivor?
RIP little niece or nephew.
You never entered our world,
but you'll never leave our hearts.
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